Squirt & Squeakers

The smoke from distant wildfires was so thick a few days ago, this is what our sun looked like at 6 pm

So, if you read the last post, you know the story of our fire.

What I haven’t really liked to admit to myself is that the fire exposed pretty much every fear and weakness I have.  I would have liked to have been strong and stoic and unaffected by what happened, but that’s not at all what happened.

If you know me, you’ve seen me cry… but what I don’t tell very many people is that I hate crying in front of people, including my husband (mainly because it wouldn’t sound true, because it happens a lot).  When my Mom called to tell me that Dad had passed away, I sobbed only until I could force myself to quit.  In fact, I often resort to anger when I’m sad because it means I’m less likely to cry.  I have built so many walls that keep people out that I don’t want anyone to see me when I’m vulnerable, especially when I cry.  I’m OK with being around people when I am able to keep everything bottled up, when I can pretend that I’m OK even if I’m really not.   A couple weeks ago in the chair of blessing, God was working on me, and they had to keep reminding me to breathe but I didn’t want to because, as I said, “If I breathe, I’m going to cry.”  That night God tore down a lot of emotional walls, and it was uncomfortable.  I walked around that week feeling like I’d forgotten to get dressed or something.  And then, the fire came 5 days later.

I already told you that I cried about leaving my husband behind when we evacuated, what I haven’t really admitted is that I actually had a panic attack that night, and then a few more again on Sunday.  What I really had to come to grips with in the aftermath of the fire was that it scared me so much to think of losing my husband, I started closing off after my Dad passed away.  As I watched my mother grieve for the love of her life, it looked so painful I unconsciously decided it would be easier if I just didn’t put myself in a position to be hurt that way.  (Let me put in here that my mother is doing well, that I know she desperately misses Dad, but she’s determined to let God use her life to the fullest extent while she’s still here, and man, she amazes me).  So, I took every opportunity of being married to an imperfect person to pull away, every time something hurt I just let it close me off a little more.  And, my guess would be, that I was doing that to everyone else in my life.  Even as I yearned for friends to come alongside me and just be with me, I wasn’t really going to let them in.

And because of all the emotional walls that had been torn down the Sunday before the fire, I had to face the stark truth that the thought of losing my husband terrifies me, that I stop breathing and my chest tightens and my hands go numb.  While I can say that I agree with Paul when he says that we don’t grieve as the world grieves, it’s not something I am really walking out right now.  I have been grieving without hope, not in that I don’t believe in heaven, but that I don’t feel like there’s any reason to stay here.  Honestly, I’ve lost hope in my purpose and faith in God’s timing for my life, and I’m just going to have to wait on God to fix that for me.

I am doing my best to wrap my head around what a beloved visiting pastor said a few months ago, “Those in heaven are not part of our past, they are part of our future.”  I have so many people in my life that I want with me for eternity, I plan to stay around a while.

When I evacuated with the kids and dogs and drove to family and friend’s houses and no one was home, the enemy wanted to use that to reinforce how lonely and abandoned I feel at times.  I had to stand up and say that I know that isn’t true.  I’ve had friends leave church to come see me just because they listened to God, and God told them I was desperately lonely, that I didn’t think my absence mattered at all, no one would ever notice.  And they didn’t just pray for me and forget about me, their compassion, like Jesus’ compassion, moved them to act, so they showed up at my door to tell me they noticed I wasn’t there.

Another thing I’ve had to face is that I don’t want my flesh to die.  It is gratifying to my flesh to live by how I feel, and let my world be all about me.  From the outside looking in, you could easily wonder what I have to feel sad about.  I have a wonderful man of God for my husband, 2 beautiful, sweet children, and even though my family is far away, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they love me.  Sure, my Dad has gone on to heaven, but I live in the assurance that I’ll see him again.  Don’t worry, I’ve wondered that, too.  But the problem is when you’re in the midst of letting your feelings rule your life, it’s hard to see the truth.  I don’t know how many times I’ve said that to others, told myself that, and still have to fight to kill that part of my flesh that wants to live by how I feel.  I think that’s a small part of what Paul is talking about when he says he must die to himself daily.  I decide that God’s truth is more important, more valid, than my feelings and perceptions, that I care more about what God thinks than what I think.  It’s not easy to decide that I care far more about pleasing God than man, it’s even harder to decide that I care more about pleasing God than myself.

Maybe someday, with permission, I’ll open up a bit about my childhood.  For now, suffice it to say that I didn’t feel safe, loved, important or seen.  And, since I decided that I wasn’t safe, I was going to at least protect my heart even if I wasn’t able to protect myself any other way.  I want to be around people… if I feel protected and my walls are up.  I strive to do the very best I can at everything I put my hand to… because maybe then I’ll feel worthy of being loved.  I want to be recognized for what I do… because maybe then I’ll feel like my life has a purpose and importance, and people really see me.

But waiting for those “then life will be better” moments never actually works.  “I’ll make good grades so I won’t be invisible,” but a sibling gets rewarded for doing their best, while it becomes expected for you.  “I’ll be somebody when I’ve graduated college,” but college degree and honors come… and don’t really make much of a difference in how the world  or your family sees you.  “I’ll be loved and important when I get married,” until I realize that my husband (like everyone else) is not perfect, never will be perfect, and no one loves as deeply and perfectly as God loves.  “I’ll have purpose when I have kids,” until I realize that having kids means I have to be even less selfish than when I got married.  “I’ll still make a difference in the world by creating, by making art,” until after 3 years your “business” is yet another failed small business in the sea of failed dreams.

The enemy would like to use this fire to make me put my walls back up, and I’ve really had to fight that, especially last Sunday, when I was around so many perceptive and caring fellow believers that know me so well… I felt exposed and just retreated physically and left because it would have taken more time than I had to put my walls back up emotionally.

God wants this fire to represent His holy fire.  He wants it to consume my self-loathing… those destructive thoughts that surround me that say He loves me because I’m part of creation, but he doesn’t love me individually, because I’m not worth loving… therefore my husband doesn’t really love me, no one really loves me, because they can’t if even God doesn’t.  God does love me, He has a plan for me that He made before He started His work on creation.

He wants His fire to consume my fears, and allow His perfect love to fill the void.  I am untouchable unless I let the enemy touch me… I don’t have to live in fear of anything, because if God is behind everything I do and everywhere I go, then why should I be afraid?  God loves me, and He cares what I care about, so He didn’t let the fire touch any of our family heirlooms, any of my keepsakes of my children (and even if the fire had, it doesn’t change how He loves me or who I am).  Even though these things are temporary and passing, God cared because I cared.  God isn’t done with the fantastic plan for my husband’s life, so He kept Him safe.  I slept in my own house, knowing that those I love most were safe.

I have decided that I need to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for myself, and make sure I only pick up those that God wants me to have.  He works all things for the good of those that love Him, and are called according to His purpose.  I need to stop taking the talents, dreams and hopes that He’s given me, and running off the path He has laid out for me, and expecting them to work.  So, here I am, feeling quite naked and exposed without my walls up, deciding that God’s way is best, because He really does love me, He really does care for me, and He wants me to have an abundant life that brings people to Him.  Because He loves you just as much as He loves me.